Wani Ardy

Photo by Omar Bahrin

Zaman sekolah dulu, perkataan suka atau admire selalu diguna. :)

Kawan karib kita seorang budak lelaki. Karib sungguh. Belajar, bermain, bercerita bersama. Karib yang tidak lebih dari seorang kawan. Suatu hari dia selitkan surat; dia suka kita. Kita terkejut, namun perlahan-lahan mula menyukai dia. Walhal selama bertahun-tahun ini, kita tidak pernah memandang dia dari sudut begitu. Jadi kenapa?

Kerana kita (senyap-senyap) percaya kita individu yang istimewa.

Bukan istimewa dalam erti kata hebat, tetapi istimewa dalam cara kita yang tersendiri. Kita percaya kita berbeza. Lalu, bila ada seseorang yang mampu melihat kita lebih dari mata kasar orang lain melihat kita, kita merasakan ‘beliau’ istimewa.

Waktu berlalu dan sayang sekali, semuanya tidak terjadi seperti yang diharapkan. Dia bukan pasangan yang kita cari-cari. Ia membuatkan kita bertanya pada diri, “bagaimana aku boleh bersama dia, sedang jenis yang aku suka bukan ini?”

Jawapannya, kita suka dia kerana dia suka kita. Itu saja. Kita tidak cari pun, asalnya.

Perasaan yang awalnya manis, kemudiannya kabur. It is not wrong. Just… not right. Bukan dia salah atau jahat, bukan. Cuma pemikiran kita berlainan; jadi tidak apalah.

Today we are adults. You are an adult, with bigger things to worry about and more people all around. Some of them- you are able to please, some of them- you aren’t.

There might be a certain person who dislikes you. Probably hates you, even. Hate, as much as love, is a strong feeling. To make yourself feel supposedly better, you try to find a reason to hate him as well, but you couldn’t. You think “if he can find a reason to hate me, so can I” but you can’t. You have a mind of your own. And in your mind, he is a fairly good person. You have no major problem with him. You wonder why you can’t see things the way he sees things. He hates you because he believes that you are a bad person. You try to convince yourself the same, that he is the bad guy, but you couldn’t.

So you stop trying.

This is not about him being evil and you being the victim or vice versa, no. You both just have different manner of thinking and understanding. That is all and that is alright.

One day you will realize that it is okay to let things be. It is okay to have a mind of your own. Even if the whole office hates that enormous jar of ginger cookies your boss’s secretary made, it is okay for you to indulge in them if you think they taste oddly nice.

It is okay to not feel the same way. Regardless love or hate, it is okay.